Mark's Random Thoughts

My aunt Marion passed on some while ago, quite a long while as it goes. Medical science were not very swift doing their harvesting. God bless her and accept her into Heaven for that charitable offering and all the other kindnesses she achieved.

Her funeral is on Thursday and I was due to be there. I declined last night though as I’d be taking the wrong emotions with me…

Agoraphobia is somewhat defined as “An abnormal and persistent fear of public places or open areas, especially those from which escape could be difficult…” (from medterms.com). This does not truly explain my anxieties or indeed the situations that make the problem escalate, reduce or disappear entirely. I have absolutely nothing against open areas, or even empty public places, only the weakness inherent in much of humanity flares the issue. I feel sorry for those not strong enough to fight the compulsion to voice their interpreted reflection of my mind (I might explain that one day). I hold greater respect for those who understand the choices and then choose the person rather than any of the future possibilities.

Last Thursday I experienced an overheard discussion (Once again I might explain later) and the touch of a spectral hand as something hugged me. I reached to hold the hand (the arm actually) and felt disappointment that there was no solidity there, felt disappointment that I passed straight through. I did not truly try to touch using any potential spectral side of myself, did not try to touch just with thought, perhaps next time.

Anyway, since then there has not been much enjoyable to lift my mood and thusly minor things have been annoying me more than normal. This elevates the agoraphobia and then I take options to avoid crowds until some calm has returned.

Not a good mindset to take to a funeral huh.
I could go there after some drink (to relax the mindset and make the crowds easier to deal with) except I would feel guilty.

No funeral for me then.